2 Corinthians 10:5
“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
Thoughts are the death of me. I am naturally a more introverted person when it comes to the difficulties I face. I love to be the friend that listens to everyone else’s struggles and offers advice, but I don’t like to talk about myself. I don’t consider my problems to be “bad enough” to talk about, and I fear being a burden to people. I know this is a lie from the Devil, and it is a lie I fight each and every day, but it is often a battle that I lose. For most of my life, however, I was too busy to be truly alone with myself. I had school five days a week, and dance four times a week, for at least four hours each day. I kept myself busy, and it became an escape from my anxieties, and trials. This “worked” for most of my life, but then I had to stop dancing this past September, and the walls began to tumble down. I had time alone with myself, which meant time alone with my thoughts, which opened up doors for the Devil to enter in. I didn’t recognize it back then, but I see it so clearly now. My thought life has always been a problem. When I was eight or nine, I began to struggle with suicidal thoughts as a result of my rage problems. I heard voices telling me to throw myself off of the roof, and others telling me that I was too far gone. I believed that I was hopeless, and an unloved lost cause; it is by God’s grace alone that I didn’t give in to the lies. As I grew older, Jesus redeemed me from that sin, but the thoughts changed. I no longer struggled with suicidal thoughts, but with self-worth. I have always lived in the light of my mother, constantly being compared to her relationship with God, and what an amazing woman she is. It absolutely was not a pressure my mom put on me, but a culmination of various outside voices, and my own. I wanted to live up to the expectations and pressures, but I never could, and I felt like a failure. I became self-conscious, never feeling pretty enough, strong enough, good enough, or enough, for anyone. I was always falling short, and if I wasn’t disappointing someone, I certainly was disappointing myself. If I am being honest, this is a thought that I struggle with often. I don’t like reading my IBS’s aloud, because I don’t feel like they are good enough. I have never been in a relationship before, and I often wonder if I am pretty enough. I am even questioning if I should be sharing these things with my teammates, let alone whoever reads my blog. But all of these thoughts are lies, and they are all deeply rooted in a distrust of the Lord. When I threw fits and considered throwing myself off of my roof, I forsook the truth of the Bible. I doubted that I was loved by God, that he had a plan for me, that I was important, and that I could be forgiven. When I am self-conscious, I doubt my worth. I doubt that I am a redeemed, free, beautiful, adored, daughter of the Most High King. I become wrapped up in who I am, and what I have done, rather than whose I am, and what he has done for me. The only way I have been able to escape these horrible thoughts and lies, is fighting them with the truth. When I threw tantrums, I read through a ring of notecards with verses on them. I said them out loud, and would read them over and over again, until I calmed down. God’s word was the only thing that brought peace to my soul, and it became my key to deliverance. And now, my strategy remains the same. Almost every night before I go to bed, I read through several different verses that directly combat the lies Satan plants in my head. But the days that I do not fight the lies with the truth, I fail and I become downtrodden by my very own mind. I am my own worst enemy, but God has given me the tools I need to take every thought captive unto the obedience of his will. It is only when I walk in discipline, and fight the battles with God’s strength, that I arise victorious. God, I pray that you would bind the enemy from my mind, and give me the determination to rise up and fight the schemes of the devil. “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable’, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8)
Application: In an effort to be more open with my struggles, and to fight the lie that I am not good enough, I will share this IBS with a bible college student named Memo. He is from Mexico, and has become a wonderful friend of mine, but he told me recently, that he wanted to know more about my life. So tomorrow, I will read it with him and share my testimony with him.