Jars of Clay

2 Corinthians 4:7

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 

Jars of clay are fragile, they aren’t very beautiful, they crack and break easily, and that is exactly what I am. I am an earthen vessel. I crack easily, I fall apart, I am fragile, and truly I do not have this beautiful, valuable heart. But what gives me worth, what gives me value, and makes me beautiful, is the treasure that is living inside of me. God chose earthen vessels to hold the most beautiful prize of all—Jesus Christ. Some people may think God did this to make fun of our weaknesses, or maybe to ‘show off’ how perfect He is, and how vile we are. But that is not why He chose us. God has chosen me to possess the greatest gift in the world, to reveal His surpassing power and my utterly desperate need for Him. People see me serving the Lord here in Kenya, and many praise me as if I am the one doing anything. The reality is that it is not me, it is Him. It is my Jesus living inside of me, He is doing the work. It is His love, His strength, His grace, His words, His hands and His feet. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives inside of me, and apart from Him I really can’t do anything to further the gospel or build His kingdom on Earth. I remember before coming to Ignite, struggling with the idea of giving up dance, school, and work for an entire year. One day, He gave me this picture of a tree that had been stripped down to nothing—no leaves left, just limb and branches. That is exactly how I felt. I felt like God was stripping me down to nothing, taking everything that I thought I was, all the things that I had become so wrapped up in, away from my grasp. But I am learning now that all of those things, as much as I love them and still have a passion for them, do not compare to the treasure that lives inside of me, and the gift it is to share Jesus with the world. Colossians 3:3 says, “For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” My life is to be hidden with Christ in God. I am to live a life completely wrapped up in Jesus, that when people get to know me, they get to know Jesus, and when I speak, they hear words that are inspired by the Lord. That in all things, Christ is proclaimed in and through me. I am weak and feeble apart from the Lord. I am nothing more than a pile of dirt and dust in the wind; but with my God and in my God, I have purpose, worth, and beauty. I am not just a pile of clay, but a vessel being worked by the hands of the Master Potter, and being filled up day by day with Him, as I choose to pursue Him. Father, make my life to proclaim the power of Jesus Christ—not me, but always you. 

Application: I love to write, but I don’t really love to speak. But, I have been given an opportunity to speak at a girl’s study this week, and I will share this message with them. 

Be Poor

2 Corinthians 6:4, 8-10

“but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities…through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.” 

God, you have been overwhelming me with the fact that your plans are so beyond my reach, so far above the imagination of my mind. January 2015, when I was sick with a 103 degree fever and missed all of my finals, I began to really wrestle with what to do with my life, and where to go. I remember sitting in bed crying, and calling out to you. Then you gave me this vision: working with special needs kids all around the world. I thought it would be a cool thing to do one day, but never really believed it would come true. I didn’t know that my youth group’s missions trip to Antigua, Guatemala, just six months later, would entail going to a disabled community hospital, and getting to play with and pray over those kids. I didn’t know that you were going to call me back for Ignite Class 10 in January 2016, instead of attending Biola like I had planned. Then I was able to go to that very same hospital, almost every week, for three months. I didn’t know that you would send me to Kenya for six months, where I get to go to special unit every Wednesday. None of this was of my will. If I had it my way, you know that I would have gone to Biola. Certainly that would have been the easier, more comfortable choice, but this was your wild adventure, your journey to bring me upon. I am not the one who is writing my story. It’s not my responsibility, is it? No, it’s yours. I did not carve out this journey for my life, you did. Oswald Chambers says, “We are not here to do work for God because we have chosen to do so, but because God has laid hold of us.” “Not that I have already obtained this, or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own” (Philippians 3:12). It was you, God, who laid hold of me and drew me to yourself. I didn’t lead my feet to stand in Kenya, you did. You laid hold of me. You gripped my heart and said the word, “go.” And what a gift it is to know that I don’t have to figure my life out, because you have already done it. And I know that a life shaped by your hands, is a life filled to the brim with hope and peace, but, that doesn’t mean things will be easy. Without fail, someone gets sick nearly every week, and it’s discouraging. Every day, I am met with new spiritual battles—Satan telling me I am not good enough, or whatever lie he chooses to tell me for that day—but expected to pour myself out for the kids, and at the same time, watch them walk through things I have never experienced before. It’s hard. Sometimes, no, a lot of times, I want to give up. But you say that the time for salvation is NOW. NOW is the time to endure. NOW is the time to hold fast. NOW is the time to love. NOW is the time to give grace. NOW is the time to take heart. NOW is the time to rejoice. And NOW is the time to pour out until I have nothing left. Again, Oswald Chambers says, “The primary word of the spiritual vocabulary is now. Let circumstances take you where they will, but keep drawing on the grace of God in whatever condition you may find yourself…Never hold anything in reserve. Pour yourself out, giving the best that you have, and always be poor.” So yes, there is a constant struggle, but I am certainly not at it alone. God, you do not tell me to serve on my own. You don’t ask me to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. What you do ask me is to be faithful now, and to reach the end of myself. To reach the limits of what is humanely possible, allowing you to do the impossible. Jesus, may I leave this place completely empty. I have nothing to offer, but you, and you are everything. I have nothing, and yet I possess everything in you. NOW is the time to let you be God, and do the unexpected, unimaginable, things that only you can do. There are two months left. Jesus, let these grains of sand count. 

Application: I will write out the word now, and tape it to my wall, so that every day I am reminded that the time to live, endure, and love, is now. 

My Stream in the Desert

Acts 7:9-10

“And the patriarchs, jealous of Joseph, sold him into Egypt, but God was with him and rescued him out of all his afflictions and gave him favor and wisdom before Pharaoh, king of Egypt, who made him ruler over Egypt and over all his household.”

I ran on rooftops, but God. I kicked and screamed, but God. I failed, fail, and will fail, but God. I hated myself, but God. I wasn’t enough, but God. I was weak, but God. I fell down, but God. I wanted to die, but God. I doubted, but God. The mantra of my life has always been, and forever will be, but God. Much of my life I have hated this. I wanted to save myself, fix myself, do good on my own, be strong enough, good enough, just enough, period. But the truth is, I am not. I don’t have the strength to face each day. I don’t have the ability to heal the holes in my heart. Broken things can’t fix broken things—it does more damage than good. Yet most of my life, I have walked around with this mask, this facade that says I have it all together; I can do it; I am not a broken vessel. Why did I do this? Why do I still do this? Why do we all hide our real selves from each other, and even worse, try to hide our real selves from God—the one who created us. We are not okay. I am not okay. I am such a failure, but God! Can’t I see that it is not about me? It never was about me, and it never will be, because it is truly all about someone who is so much bigger than ourselves. The truth is, you can’t depend on anyone in this life. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your friends, not your spouse, and certainly not yourself. No one can fix you, heal you, or pour out enough love to satisfy the depths of your soul. But there is one. There is one who is far above it all. He hasn’t failed me and He never will. He sees my shortcomings, and even still, He wants me. Jesus, my Savior, the one who descended from His throne above to piece me back together, and take the death that should have been mine. He knows the real me, and He pursues me moment by moment. He gets it. He gets my brokenness, and He doesn’t leave me hanging. He saw Joseph sold into slavery, mistreated and abused, and He rescued Him and led Him into a land of abundance because of His faithfulness to the Lord. He rescued and revived, restored and renewed—and He has been doing this same thing for me, time and time again. And He doesn’t just pick me up, set me down, and move onto the next basket case. He walks with me—before and beside—and leads me to lands that are flowing with milk and honey, if I walk obediently and in step with Him. He is my stream in the desert, my reason to sing, my sunshine and joy. He is my hope—the one who takes my brokenness aside and makes me beautiful. May ‘but God’ continue to be the anthem of my life, because I cannot handle this life on my own. I need you Jesus, desperately, and you want me deeply. And who gets the better deal from this relationship? Surely it is me. I gain in abundance. I gain everything in you. “There’s nothing that I have need of, because there’s nothing you haven’t done. You make my soul alive, you put your love inside” (Never Going Back—United Pursuit).

“Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, be strong; fear not! Behold your God will come and save you. Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man shall leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy. For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert.” -Isaiah 35:3-6

Application: When I catch myself thinking of my present trials and sufferings, I will be intentional with prayer, and remind myself who my God is.

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

1 Samuel 12:24

“Only fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully, for consider what great things he has done for you.”

Zechariah 4:6

“Not by might, nor by my power, but by my spirit, says the Lord of Hosts.”

It’s one of those days, God. Actually, it has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where I wonder and allow my thoughts to wander far away from Kenya. I wonder about anything and everything, except my present ministry. I wonder why You brought me here. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had just remained comfortable and gone to college. And when I think of these questions, the what could have beens, I become so discontent that I just want to give up. I know how awful this sounds, Lord, but it’s real. All that I can see, is all that I am not, and again I have found myself searching for something more apart from you. It’s an endless, vicious cycle, and I hate it. I hate that I allow myself to become discontent and ungrateful, unfulfilled and wanting more. I don’t want to live in emptiness, shallowness, and loneliness. I want to be free. I want to be faithful. I want to be rich in love and a giver of grace. I want to want you more than anything in the world. I love my team, I love these children, I love teaching Math and Bible, I love going to the children’s home and to special unit, and I love this country and all of it’s beautiful people, but God, I am not good enough to be here. I have nothing to offer these kids, and I have nothing to offer my teammates. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to serve. I don’t know how to teach. I don’t know how to be effective. But that’s just it—I can’t; You can. I am not strong enough, but you are. You are stronger than any force in this world, and in my weakness your strength is made perfect, and you shine. You don’t ask me to be enough, or to carry the weight of the world, you just ask me to come to you and drink deep of the rivers of living water. You ask me to come to you, willing to be broken apart, and then made whole in your hands. You ask me to come to you and surrender, to give it all away to the molding of your hands. You’re not asking for me to do anything more than be present in your presence. Jesus, help me to get out of the way so that you can shine through me. Help me to tear down any expectations I may have, and be here faithfully. I don’t have the words, the actions, or the love in my heart, but you do. God, you have it all, and all I need to do is ask. I may have nothing to offer in it of myself, but I have you, and Jesus you are everything. You are all these people need; you are all that I need, nothing more and nothing less. In times of discouragement, in times of not okayness, in seasons of fear and doubt, I must remember to remember. I must consider all that you have done for me. Father, you have been so gracious, and so good. I am on an adventure I never intended on going on, I am in a country I never thought I would live in, I am teaching things that I am not qualified to teach, and I am getting to work with special needs kids, once a week—the very thing I would have pursued in college, I am getting to do. There is no better place for me to be than right here in the center of your will. Thank you God, for sending me to Kenya, thank you for re-directing my life and holding my hand every step of the way. I am blessed, truly blessed to be here. Though I am not enough, you are enough. You are everything. Ignite awe and wonder within my heart, and teach me to be faithful as you have been so faithful to me. But may I not forget that it is okay to not be okay. You don’t ask me to have it all together, you just ask me to come to you, and pour out my heart before you (Ps. 62:8). And how beautiful it is, that in this not okayness, I have discovered my desperate need for you. I need you deeply and undeniably, because I truly can’t do this apart from you.

“The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and he will bring us back to the same point over and over again, until we do.” -Oswald Chambers// I read this just after writing these words. God is so good! 

Forgetting to Forgive

Titus 3:1-3

“Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy to all people. For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another.”

Ouch. I look at these verses and I see so many areas that I fall short in. Submit to authority, but what if I am right and they are wrong? What if I don’t trust them? Speak evil of no one, but what if I need to get some things off of my chest? What if they wronged me? Be gentle—well that has always been a hard one for me. I grew up with two older brothers, gentleness is really not my natural tendency, but are any of these? No. No, not at all. I don’t like to submit, I am not quick to obedience, I speak evil of people, I fight back, I am not gentle, and I don’t show perfect courtesy to people. I fall short in every single area, and as much as I love to make excuses, I can’t. The Bible doesn’t leave room for excuses, and God certainly won’t make exceptions when He judges me. But thank God for grace. Thank God that he takes my shortcomings, and teaches me to yield to Him. Thank God that He heals broken bones, and binds up our wounds. Thank God that He trades beauty for ashes. John 8:36 says, “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” This does not mean that I am perfect, that I won’t slip up, or even that I won’t place myself back under the bondage of sin, it simply means that I am forgiven. God gave me the perfect pardon through the death of His son, and Titus 2:14 explains, “[Jesus] gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.” He died so that I might live. He died so that I might have second, third, twentieth, hundredth chances. He died to make me whole and restored, renewed and redeemed. He died to give my life a new purpose—a purpose that will build up His kingdom and bring to light the truth of His word. He gave me grace, grace upon grace upon grace, that I might give that same grace to others. No one likes to be kicked when they are already down and out, and to think that God could have done that to me—no, he should have done that to me, but He knew that what I really needed was love, discipline, and gentle guidance. So if God has imparted that same forgiveness and grace to me, what is stopping me from doing the same to others? 

Application: There is one person in my life right now that I am having a really hard time forgiving. I don’t want to be bitter anymore, I want to give grace. This week I will spend every day praying for that person, and praying for God to change my heart. 

Precious Promises

Psalm 119:50

“This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.”

2 Peter 1:3-4

“His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us His precious and very great promises so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.”

Precious promises. Precious promises that give me life, joy, peace, and hope. All of the comforts that this world can never offer me, are found in the arms of my Jesus. They aren’t hidden from my sight, no. They are right in my view, right in my grasp. So why do I go looking for anything but Him? Why do I search, and search, and search, hoping to find fulfillment and hope someplace else? Why can’t He just be enough for me? I don’t know. I don’t know, and I don’t really have an answer. Instead of claiming these precious promises, I hold fast to the lies of the enemy, which as of late have been endless. He tells me that I am ugly, fat, not good enough for anyone to love, that I am too far gone, that I am running in vain, that my future is hopeless, and I am not called by God, that God doesn’t care about my cries, and that I am just one, big failure. These are just a few of the things Satan whispers in my ear, and for whatever reason, I give him the time of day and entertain every single lie. Lies that offer me no hope, love, joy, peace—no life, only death. But His promises, they give me life, and life more abundantly. Abba, you bore me in your thoughts, and breathed life into the dust to create me. You say that I am fearfully and wonderfully made; that I am your workmanship, created to do good works which you have prepared beforehand. You say that all have fallen short of your glory, but that your love covers over a multitude of sins. Jesus, you have good, good plans for me, and if I am willing and obedient, you will lead my feet to a land of abundance, the land of the living. Jesus, bring these words to my memory when I am feeling so low. Let me not forget that your ways and thoughts are higher than my own. I have access to infinite and divine promises of hope. In my affliction, in the valley, on the mountaintop, and in the field of flowers, your promises, the love of your heart, is the only thing that keeps me alive. Only you, Abba. Only you give me life, and purpose. May I stop giving the enemy the time of day, and instead reflect on that which is lovely, and true, and honorable, and pure. Thank you for granting unto me, all things that pertain to life and godliness. I love you, Jesus. 

Application: These next three months I have in Kenya, I will write down all of the promises that God grants unto me, while I am doing my morning devotions. Now I will have something tangible to look at, when the lies seem overwhelming. 

Jesus Knows

Psalm 34:17-18

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

It has always been my life goal to not end up brokenhearted, whether that be by a guy, friend, family member, pastor, or any person really. It’s a pretty reasonable goal to have—I don’t want to be hurt, and no one with a soul wants to be hurt. It is the reason why we put up walls, lie about how we are truly feeling, and have such a hard time trusting one another. We as humans know what we are capable of. We know the damage that we can inflict upon one another, and it scares us. Unfortunately, this ‘barely alive’ feeling that David is talking about, is inevitable. I am truly blessed to say that I haven’t felt this way many times in my life. I have faced hardships for sure, but I think my life has been filled with greater joys, rather than pain. However, I do know this crushed feeling. I remember when my dad lost his job. A lot of people knew about it, my friends definitely knew about it, but no one really knew all that was going on in my heart. It didn’t matter how many people surrounded me, I always felt alone. By God’s provision, I was able to continue dancing as many days a week that I wanted to. It was in those moments, when my dance teacher would turn off all of the lights and just let us dance, that I stopped wrestling and started to let the Lord hold me. By the end of the night, I would usually end up in a ball of tears, but I felt held, I felt heard, and I felt loved. As inevitable as these heart breaking moments are, they are not a cause for lost hope. No, there is always hope, and my hope just so happened to come in the form of a baby, born in an evil, soul piercing world that He did not deserve to live in. Jesus, God in the flesh, came into this world because He wanted to save me, and not just save me, but know me—my pains, my joys, my bone crushing moments. But His bones were actually crushed, and His heart actually broke, because we all betrayed Him, forsake Him, and crucified Him. You see, we tend to feel alone on a daily basis, but we will never know true loneliness like Jesus did. God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that is a promise I claim with an iron fist, but Jesus didn’t have that promise, He was forsaken by His own Father, if for but a moment. I will never know that kind of pain and separation, but I know that He will always know and feel the same hurt I experience every single day. My brother, Jonah, reminded me of this in a letter He wrote to me about a month into Kenya. This is what he told me: “Psalm 34:17-18 talks about how the Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves those who are crushed. David uses the word ‘contrite’ here, which speaks about being pulverized and ground into dust—it is an adjective describing complete destruction—and it is a feeling that all of us have suffered within one way or another. But what’s rad about this verse, is that there is another place in the old testament that uses this word for crushed—and it’s found in Isaiah. Isaiah writes about one who was “bruised for our transgressions, and crushed for our iniquities…” This is the same crushed used in Psalm 34. Jesus knows your pain, and he understands the trials you are going through; so know this, when everything has gone awry, and you’re laying face first in the mud, don’t be afraid. He, Jesus, the Lord, your comforter, understands what you’re going though, and He is right there beside you. So don't give up sister, hope in Him.” My cry reaches beyond the temple, even into His ears (Psalm 18:8), and “He will surely be gracious to me at the sound of my cry. As soon as He hears it, He answers me” (Isaiah 30:19). My God is not far off; He will never abandon me to the dust. His ears are attentive to my voice, and He desires to be near to me, carrying these dry bones if need be. He will never stop saving me. I am not alone. 

Application: I will text my brother, and thank him for the letter he sent me, and for encouraging me to hope in God.