“And the patriarchs, jealous of Joseph, sold him into Egypt, but God was with him and rescued him out of all his afflictions and gave him favor and wisdom before Pharaoh, king of Egypt, who made him ruler over Egypt and over all his household.”
I ran on rooftops, but God. I kicked and screamed, but God. I failed, fail, and will fail, but God. I hated myself, but God. I wasn’t enough, but God. I was weak, but God. I fell down, but God. I wanted to die, but God. I doubted, but God. The mantra of my life has always been, and forever will be, but God. Much of my life I have hated this. I wanted to save myself, fix myself, do good on my own, be strong enough, good enough, just enough, period. But the truth is, I am not. I don’t have the strength to face each day. I don’t have the ability to heal the holes in my heart. Broken things can’t fix broken things—it does more damage than good. Yet most of my life, I have walked around with this mask, this facade that says I have it all together; I can do it; I am not a broken vessel. Why did I do this? Why do I still do this? Why do we all hide our real selves from each other, and even worse, try to hide our real selves from God—the one who created us. We are not okay. I am not okay. I am such a failure, but God! Can’t I see that it is not about me? It never was about me, and it never will be, because it is truly all about someone who is so much bigger than ourselves. The truth is, you can’t depend on anyone in this life. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your friends, not your spouse, and certainly not yourself. No one can fix you, heal you, or pour out enough love to satisfy the depths of your soul. But there is one. There is one who is far above it all. He hasn’t failed me and He never will. He sees my shortcomings, and even still, He wants me. Jesus, my Savior, the one who descended from His throne above to piece me back together, and take the death that should have been mine. He knows the real me, and He pursues me moment by moment. He gets it. He gets my brokenness, and He doesn’t leave me hanging. He saw Joseph sold into slavery, mistreated and abused, and He rescued Him and led Him into a land of abundance because of His faithfulness to the Lord. He rescued and revived, restored and renewed—and He has been doing this same thing for me, time and time again. And He doesn’t just pick me up, set me down, and move onto the next basket case. He walks with me—before and beside—and leads me to lands that are flowing with milk and honey, if I walk obediently and in step with Him. He is my stream in the desert, my reason to sing, my sunshine and joy. He is my hope—the one who takes my brokenness aside and makes me beautiful. May ‘but God’ continue to be the anthem of my life, because I cannot handle this life on my own. I need you Jesus, desperately, and you want me deeply. And who gets the better deal from this relationship? Surely it is me. I gain in abundance. I gain everything in you. “There’s nothing that I have need of, because there’s nothing you haven’t done. You make my soul alive, you put your love inside” (Never Going Back—United Pursuit).
“Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, be strong; fear not! Behold your God will come and save you. Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped; then shall the lame man shall leap like a deer, and the tongue of the mute sing for joy. For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert.” -Isaiah 35:3-6
Application: When I catch myself thinking of my present trials and sufferings, I will be intentional with prayer, and remind myself who my God is.