Monday, August 1, 2016

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

1 Samuel 12:24
“Only fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully, for consider what great things he has done for you.”

Zechariah 4:6
“Not by might, nor by my power, but by my spirit, says the Lord of Hosts.”

It’s one of those days, God. Actually, it has been one of those weeks. One of those weeks where I wonder and allow my thoughts to wander far away from Kenya. I wonder about anything and everything, except my present ministry. I wonder why You brought me here. I wonder what my life would have looked like if I had just remained comfortable and gone to college. And when I think of these questions, the what could have beens, I become so discontent that I just want to give up. I know how awful this sounds, Lord, but it’s real. All that I can see, is all that I am not, and again I have found myself searching for something more apart from you. It’s an endless, vicious cycle, and I hate it. I hate that I allow myself to become discontent and ungrateful, unfulfilled and wanting more. I don’t want to live in emptiness, shallowness, and loneliness. I want to be free. I want to be faithful. I want to be rich in love and a giver of grace. I want to want you more than anything in the world. I love my team, I love these children, I love teaching Math and Bible, I love going to the children’s home and to special unit, and I love this country and all of it’s beautiful people, but God, I am not good enough to be here. I have nothing to offer these kids, and I have nothing to offer my teammates. I don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to serve. I don’t know how to teach. I don’t know how to be effective. But that’s just it—I can’t; You can. I am not strong enough, but you are. You are stronger than any force in this world, and in my weakness your strength is made perfect, and you shine. You don’t ask me to be enough, or to carry the weight of the world, you just ask me to come to you and drink deep of the rivers of living water. You ask me to come to you, willing to be broken apart, and then made whole in your hands. You ask me to come to you and surrender, to give it all away to the molding of your hands. You’re not asking for me to do anything more than be present in your presence. Jesus, help me to get out of the way so that you can shine through me. Help me to tear down any expectations I may have, and be here faithfully. I don’t have the words, the actions, or the love in my heart, but you do. God, you have it all, and all I need to do is ask. I may have nothing to offer in it of myself, but I have you, and Jesus you are everything. You are all these people need; you are all that I need, nothing more and nothing less. In times of discouragement, in times of not okayness, in seasons of fear and doubt, I must remember to remember. I must consider all that you have done for me. Father, you have been so gracious, and so good. I am on an adventure I never intended on going on, I am in a country I never thought I would live in, I am teaching things that I am not qualified to teach, and I am getting to work with special needs kids, once a week—the very thing I would have pursued in college, I am getting to do. There is no better place for me to be than right here in the center of your will. Thank you God, for sending me to Kenya, thank you for re-directing my life and holding my hand every step of the way. I am blessed, truly blessed to be here. Though I am not enough, you are enough. You are everything. Ignite awe and wonder within my heart, and teach me to be faithful as you have been so faithful to me. But may I not forget that it is okay to not be okay. You don’t ask me to have it all together, you just ask me to come to you, and pour out my heart before you (Ps. 62:8). And how beautiful it is, that in this not okayness, I have discovered my desperate need for you. I need you deeply and undeniably, because I truly can’t do this apart from you.

“The Holy Spirit is determined that we will have the realization of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives, and he will bring us back to the same point over and over again, until we do.” -Oswald Chambers// I read this just after writing these words. God is so good! 

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