Getting Over Myself

Proverbs 9:9

“Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.”

Wisdom. Wisdom has always been something I have desired. I see people like my mom, full of wisdom and discernment, and I long to have her character. She prays about all things, and even when we were little, she would take my brothers and I on prayer walks. I always wondered how she became so wise. She has more life experience than me, but more importantly, she has prayed for a teachable spirit. If I truly examine my life, I have not been the most teachable person. Since I was a child, I have been strong willed and stubborn. I grew up with a lot of pressure and expectation to be the ‘good’ girl, and I convinced myself that I was. Often times, I felt like I had arrived, although I knew I wasn’t perfect. I became so used to hearing what a good girl I was, that I became numb to my own sin, and inevitably, I resisted the teachable spirit God longs for me to have. Simply put, I don’t like to change, because I think I am right most of the time. It is a horrible character flaw to have, but God has definitely been working on me, here in Guatemala. I have had to learn to submit to authority, people who were complete strangers, and trust that God was speaking to and through them. At first, it was really hard for me to accept their criticism and obey their requests, but I had to remind myself of a prayer that I prayed to God, months before I came here. I asked the Lord to mold me into the image of his likeness, and to transform my heart so much so, that I would be unrecognizable when I came home. It was a sincere prayer, but in my ignorance, I rejected the fact that I would actually need to change. I didn’t realize how much my hard heart needed to break. I had no idea that I resisted against God’s hand so much, and I didn’t know that I struggled so much with submission and change. But now, I see that God is setting me free, and I am finally allowing him to remove these shackles from my wrists. It is not about me being right, or ‘good enough,’ it is about being willing and obedient to the shaping of God’s hands. He knows the areas that I need to grow in, and I do not. If I allow him to do with me whatever he wills, I will flourish, and bloom into the woman he desires me to become, and I will begin to radiate my maker. Father, I pray that you would give me a teachable spirit. Help me to get over myself and realize that I do not know what is best for me, and I am not always right. Trade my head knowledge for wisdom, and make me like you, Jesus. 

Application: I will spend time today and go on a prayer walk with the Lord, asking him to remove my pride, make me teachable, and fill my heart with wisdom and understanding. 

Join the Cycle

2 Timothy 2:2

“and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.”

Go do. Go do was the phrase I heard over and over again in my head this past summer when I was trying to decide if I should come to Ignite or not. I had a lot of fear. I didn’t feel equipped, I had never felt called to the mission’s field, and I mentally was not prepared for such a radical deviation from my original four year plan. But God said, “Go. Go as I call you. Follow where I lead you, just as I sent my Son to the earth, a foreign land devoid of perfection. Be faithful, Charis.” I had no reason to doubt or fear, did I? I have grown up in the church, I have a solid foundation, and a heart that is seeking after the Lord. Before I was born, God knew and always purposed that I would join this mission’s training school. He knew that I would live in Antigua, Guatemala for three months, and he knew that it would forever change my life. He knew that I would serve for six months in Kenya, with four other incredible human beings. All of this he predestined, and every trial I have been through, every joy I have experienced, God has used to mold me, and guide my feet to the place they now stand today. Thinking about this blows my mind! God’s faithfulness endures forever, and even if I struggle to see, his goodness encompasses me in the light and the darkness, the seen and the hidden. Now what does this all have to do with being teachable, and teaching others. I honestly don’t know, but I had to get those words above, off of my chest. When I read this verse, I automatically thought of my church. My Pastor, David Rosales, has been faithful to teach and entrust the gospel, in the hands of my parents, for thirty plus years. My parents, therefore, have been given the tools they need to teach me about the Lord, trusting that I would be faithful to do the same for my family one day. The same teaching and equipping that my Pastor gave to my parents, has also been passed on to my mentor/family/youth pastor, Dustin. And Dustin has faithfully sown the seed in my life. I have been able to take the past six years of teaching, and mentoring, and share them with the other young girls of our high school, alongside another woman who has poured into me, Brandi, during our girl’s study. It is a cycle of faithful servants, strengthened by the grace of God, being so motivated and moved to spread the light with everyone they meet. I have never taken the time to look at this cycle, but now, I am so grateful. If one of those people had not been faithful to pour into me, and build me up, I might not be here today, or I might not have the same relationship with the Lord that I do now. Teachability is vital to the growth of the gospel, and if I truly say that I love the Lord, my main purpose in life should be to share Jesus in words and actions, with all people, no matter the cost. Too many Christians hear the sounds of the battle, and choose not to fight. We lay the “burden” of sharing the gospel, on missionaries or people that are “better” than us, and choose to remain silent.  But silence, and comfort is not the life we have been called to. We are called to arise and fight, to arise and shine, to arise and share, and it is our honor to give people the same hope that was entrusted to us, that saved our souls and rescued us from the pit. Jeremiah 20:9 says, ”If I say, “I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,” there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot.” God, let me not hold back any longer. May I not live in silence, but may I be loud, shining boldly and brightly for the furtherance of your kingdom, the only one that truly matters. 

Application: In one week, I will be home again for ten days, and I will go to my home church for the first time in three months. I will be sure to find my pastor, and youth pastor, and thank them for being faithful ministers of God’s word. Without their training and their devotion to the Lord, I would not be who I am today. 

Whatever is True

2 Corinthians 10:5

“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Thoughts are the death of me. I am naturally a more introverted person when it comes to the difficulties I face. I love to be the friend that listens to everyone else’s struggles and offers advice, but I don’t like to talk about myself. I don’t consider my problems to be “bad enough” to talk about, and I fear being a burden to people. I know this is a lie from the Devil, and it is a lie I fight each and every day, but it is often a battle that I lose. For most of my life, however, I was too busy to be truly alone with myself. I had school five days a week, and dance four times a week, for at least four hours each day. I kept myself busy, and it became an escape from my anxieties, and trials. This “worked” for most of my life, but then I had to stop dancing this past September, and the walls began to tumble down. I had time alone with myself, which meant time alone with my thoughts, which opened up doors for the Devil to enter in. I didn’t recognize it back then, but I see it so clearly now. My thought life has always been a problem. When I was eight or nine, I began to struggle with suicidal thoughts as a result of my rage problems. I heard voices telling me to throw myself off of the roof, and others telling me that I was too far gone. I believed that I was hopeless, and an unloved lost cause; it is by God’s grace alone that I didn’t give in to the lies. As I grew older, Jesus redeemed me from that sin, but the thoughts changed. I no longer struggled with suicidal thoughts, but with self-worth. I have always lived in the light of my mother, constantly being compared to her relationship with God, and what an amazing woman she is. It absolutely was not a pressure my mom put on me, but a culmination of various outside voices, and my own. I wanted to live up to the expectations and pressures, but I never could, and I felt like a failure. I became self-conscious, never feeling pretty enough, strong enough, good enough, or enough, for anyone. I was always falling short, and if I wasn’t disappointing someone, I certainly was disappointing myself. If I am being honest, this is a thought that I struggle with often. I don’t like reading my IBS’s aloud, because I don’t feel like they are good enough. I have never been in a relationship before, and I often wonder if I am pretty enough. I am even questioning if I should be sharing these things with my teammates, let alone whoever reads my blog. But all of these thoughts are lies, and they are all deeply rooted in a distrust of the Lord. When I threw fits and considered throwing myself off of my roof, I forsook the truth of the Bible. I doubted that I was loved by God, that he had a plan for me, that I was important, and that I could be forgiven. When I am self-conscious, I doubt my worth. I doubt that I am a redeemed, free, beautiful, adored, daughter of the Most High King. I become wrapped up in who I am, and what I have done, rather than whose I am, and what he has done for me. The only way I have been able to escape these horrible thoughts and lies, is fighting them with the truth. When I threw tantrums, I read through a ring of notecards with verses on them. I said them out loud, and would read them over and over again, until I calmed down. God’s word was the only thing that brought peace to my soul, and it became my key to deliverance. And now, my strategy remains the same. Almost every night before I go to bed, I read through several different verses that directly combat the lies Satan plants in my head. But the days that I do not fight the lies with the truth, I fail and I become downtrodden by my very own mind. I am my own worst enemy, but God has given me the tools I  need to take every thought captive unto the obedience of his will. It is only when I walk in discipline, and fight the battles with God’s strength, that I arise victorious. God, I pray that you would bind the enemy from my mind, and give me the determination to rise up and fight the schemes of the devil. “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable’, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8)

Application: In an effort to be more open with my struggles, and to fight the lie that I am not good enough, I will share this IBS with a bible college student named Memo. He is from Mexico, and has become a wonderful friend of mine, but he told me recently, that he wanted to know more about my life. So tomorrow, I will read it with him and share my testimony with him. 

A Set Apart Heart

2 Samuel 11:11-13

“Uriah said to David, “The ark and Israel and Judah dwell in booths, and my lord Joab and the servants of my lord are camping in the open field. Shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing.” Then David said to Uriah,”Remain here today also, and tomorrow I will send you back.” So Uriah remained in Jerusalem that day and the next. And David invited him, and he ate in his presence and drank, so that he made him drunk. And in the evening he went out to lie on his couch with the servants of his lord, but he did not go down to his house.”

The story of David and Bathsheba is one I have heard countless times, but never once have I looked at it with the word ‘discipline’ in mind. I see two men in this story: Uriah is a man disciplined unto the Spirit, and David is a man disciplined unto the flesh. In times of war, the King was supposed to be at every battle, but while David’s men were fighting his war, he was lying in bed. I am sure David never thought his one sin would create such catastrophic events, but that is what happens when we submit ourselves under the devil instead of God. David’s one lustful gaze, took him completely off course, and his heart that was once consecrated to the Lord, became consecrated to himself and his own fleshly desires. Uriah was a different man, a man who lived by a strong constitution, guided by the Lord, disciplined to follow God’s will. He had the opportunity to go home, eat rich food, and be with his wife for the first time in months, but not once did he turn to the left or the right, he stayed the course and kept his eyes fixed on the Lord. Many times, I have read this story and wondered how David could make such a stupid mistake, but now I understand. Jeremiah 17:9-10 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick, who can understand it? But I the Lord search the heart, and test the mind, to give to every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” I am David all of the time. I let my eyes wander, I allow my thoughts to carry off wherever they desire, and often times I act on my feelings. The moment I act on my own emotions, is the moment I change alliances. Acting on what I feel, simply means that I reject God’s authority over me, and believe that my will is above his own. It’s a web that entangles, entraps, and ensnares, and once you fall into it, it is impossible to come out on your own, and David tried with all of his might to rescue himself. He recognized the huge mistake he had made, but still did not want to switch disciplines, the end result was the death of Uriah, the death of his baby, and great internal destruction on David’s part. Though Uriah died because of David’s sin, he stood firm in his beliefs, and was not shaken by the temptations placed before him. I want to be like Uriah, disciplined and concentrated on the Lord; firmly planted and rooted in the will of the Lord, and not ruled by my ever fleeting emotions. Jesus, I pray that every thought would be taken unto the obedience of your will, and not my own. Let me not go through this life working in my own strength; may I be consecrated unto you. 

Application: Tomorrow, I will keep track of problems that come my way, and write them in my journal. I will pray over them, that I might not act impulsively, under the obedience of my own will. 

The Key to Life

Psalm 119:9-11

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”

Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have given my brothers and I this verse to hold onto. I still remember my mom making me memorize it when I was a little kid. Over time, it became redundant, and in my eyes, the verse lost it’s meaning. But today, it has taken on a new meaning. I have been in Guatemala for nearly three months, and I only have two and a half weeks left. I have made relationships that will last for all of eternity, I have poured out my heart in ways that I have never experienced, and God has revealed to me walls I have put up that I didn’t even realize were there. The past three months have been the most adventurous, incredible, deep times of my life, but they have also been the absolute hardest. In a team of 20, and on a property of 60 total people, I still find a way to feel lonely. It probably sounds ridiculous, but there are days that I just feel like I have absolutely nothing and absolutely no one to talk to. As of late, I have felt this way multiple times throughout the week. I feel like I am in a pit, or in an ocean, incessantly drifting away from land. Today, God gave me a revelation about this very thing. I forgot that I asked God to make me desperate for him. I forgot that I asked him to make me wholly reliant upon him. It sounded like a nice prayer to pray, and it truly was something my heart desired, but I didn’t realize that being desperate for the Lord, means that I have to be stripped down to absolutely nothing. Sometimes, God has to take you to places where you feel utterly alone, so that you can finally realize you aren’t. He will never leave me, nor forsake me, and that is a promise, and God never breaks his promises. He is faithful and true, and the one thing I have is the Lord, and he is the only thing I need. His words are all sustaining, and life breathing. It was his very breath that brought us into existence, was it not? Psalm 19:7-8 says, “The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.” This is what I have in Christ. I have his very words, his very breath, to carry me through every circumstance. Yet often times, I hold onto myself, and I drift away, looking to the left and right, wandering far away from the path of the Lord. But it is a moment, by moment discipline that I must take seriously. God wants all of me, all of the time, and I must be willing to let him in, to let him invade, and take a hold of my heart. Only he can preserve my life, only he can rescue me from the pit, only he can take my life from the ashes and breathe beauty into it. In every circumstance, dark or light, I have all things because I have the Lord, always; and in this nothingness, I have found everything. God let me not forget that I have the key to all joy, and all hope. I have your word, and that is more than enough.

Application: Every day this week, as soon as I wake up, I will pray for my whole heart to seek the Lord. I will pray that I cling to his words, the words of life, through thick and thin, and lean not on my own understanding, for my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven. 

In Light of Eternity

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.” 

Reading this verse, I can’t help but write about class 10’s adventure yesterday. At 6:00 a.m. we left towards the humungous volcano at our backs, Agua. We began our hike around 7:30, and we didn’t get back home until 6:30 at night. 38,695 steps, 17 miles, and about 9 hours later, we finished the climb. It was absolutely the most physically exhausting thing I have ever done, and it was one of my greatest mental battles as well. We took plenty of breaks along the way, but the battle was uphill at a steep incline, and the paths were filled with all kinds of hindrances. The only thing that kept me going, was knowing that the prize would come at the end. If I could just make it to the top, if I could just keep pressing on, I would experience victory and witness beauty unlike any other. I can tell you right now that it was not Charis who was hiking, but the Lord. I had no strength, my legs ached, and for about half of the hike, we got stuck in a cloud and I couldn’t see ten feet in front of me. But the verse that I kept going back to was Hebrews 12:1-2. “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” The battle Jesus took on the road to the cross, and the pain he experienced, was infinitely worse than anything I could ever imagine. The perfect, sinless, Son of God, carried the weight of the entire world’s sins, on his shoulders, and it killed him. Now all he asks of me, is to carry my cross, lay aside my fears, sins, and anxieties, and follow him. He doesn’t promise that the path is going to be easy and flat, but he promises that the view at the top will be worth every tear, every trial, and every pain. The last quarter mile was treacherous, and the group I was with, struggled physically. But we held each other’s arms up when we couldn’t breathe, we carried backpacks when the load was too much to carry, we prayed and proclaimed scripture, and we climbed together, as one body. Every step we took was intentional, and every word was spoken in encouragement, to carry us to the very top. When we finally made it, I couldn’t stop smiling. There was a cloud blocking our view of Guatemala below, but the prize for me was not the beauty of God’s creation, though that was a plus. No, the true prize was knowing that I survived. The prize was knowing that I held on, and God faithfully strengthened my bones to make it to the top. The prize was knowing that when I run in light of the end goal, I can make it through any circumstance, with joy. I will run in light of eternity, knowing that one day, I will stand before my Abba Father, my maker, my very best friend, and hear the words, “Well done my good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of your master.” I will see him face to face, I will finally be able to dance with my Savior, for all of eternity. The prize I will receive, the infinite joy that will well up in my heart, makes everything I experience on earth, worth it. So I will not run just to run, I will run, I will endure, I will press on, and I will pursue, with all passion and faith, to meet my God. 

Application: I so easily forget the lessons God has taught me, and I so easily forget about my God, and who he is. I don’t want to forget, I want to remember, and I want to remember this lesson, as long as I live. I will memorize 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 and Hebrews 12:1-2, so that I never forget to press on. 

Training Up

I Timothy 4:8

“for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”

I have heard this verse many times throughout my life, but today, as I have time to meditate on the words and let them sink in, this verse has taken on a new meaning. There is a short phrase at the end of verse seven, that has really impacted the way I live my life. All it says is, “train yourself up for godliness.” I have never trained for a marathon, or gone to the gym, but I have trained in dance since I was six years old, and that has to count for something, right? I still remember getting my splits for the first time, learning how to do double and triple pirouettes, and those glorious days where I could actually do fouettes and alisicone without losing my spot. Those days of harvest were the absolute best, but they didn’t just pop up out of thin air. I had to work hard and practice every single day; I was dedicated to the task and I had a genuine desire to be a better dancer. But no trick could compare to finally receiving my pointe shoes. It is every dancers dream to become strong enough to begin training in pointe, dancing on the very tips of our toes. And again, that moment didn’t just pop out of thin air. In fact, it took about seven years of training for me to finally buy those pink satin shoes when I was thirteen years old. My dance teacher even started a pre-pointe class for us girls, so that we could be better prepared and strengthened. Once I began pointe classes, however, I realized that the training really was not over. No, gaining my pointe shoes was only just the beginning. Soon pointe class began, and toenails were bleeding, calluses were forming, calves were cramping, and feet burned in pain. Learning to dance in those shoes felt awkward, and there were many times that I felt like giving up. But after months of practice, sparks began to fly, my body was growing comfortable to the pain and finally, I had broken my pointe shoes in. But alas, my shoes eventually wore down and I had to buy new, hard, pointe shoes all over again, re-experiencing all of the pain of dancing in new shoes, once again. The training never, ever stopped. Likewise, training for godliness need not ever end. There are times in my life where I have felt like I have arrived, as if I have become good enough, strong enough, godly enough, but there is no arrival in Christianity. No one is perfect, and it is not humanely possible to completely deny our flesh and submit to God’s will all of the time. We can never stop training, and the fight is never over, but a majority of the time, I live like it is. Yes, God has already won the war, but that does not mean that I should sink back and relax, never persevering to attain the prize of the upward calling that Paul talks about in Philippians 3:14. I need to be willing to submit to the Lord, and I need Him to teach me, and be my trainer in this painful, yet beautiful life. Jesus, may I look to you in times of great pain and joy. Be my strength. I want to be molded and formed into the likeness of your image, becoming like you in word and deed, but I can not do this on my own. Jesus, be the center of my life. May I be dedicated in yielding to your will, no matter the cost. “If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.” (Isaiah 1:19-20)

Application: Tomorrow we hike agua for about thirteen hours. It will be hard and strenuous, and the Lord will have to be my strength if I am going to make it out of there alive. When I wake up, I will write the phrase, “train yourself for godliness,” on my hand, and as we hike up, I will pray that God gives me a disciplined and obedient spirit.