Beauty for Ashes

Philippians 3:12-13

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.”

Paul’s honesty in this passage of scripture, inspires me to do the same. I can honestly say that there was a time in my life where I really felt like I wasn’t that bad of a person. When you are surrounded with people telling you that you are so precious, and pure, it is really hard to not get prideful, and to ignore what they are saying. I knew I wasn’t perfect. In fact I knew that I was hiding so much wickedness in my heart. I knew the mask I was putting on every day, and I knew all of the things I had done and experienced in the past. But alas, I continued to strive for perfection, but not to honor the Lord. No, I pressed on to make myself look better. I pressed on so that I could meet everyone’s endless expectations. I pressed on because I wanted to feel good enough. I think a lot of people, especially kids who have grown up in the church, know exactly what I am talking about. We so badly desire to live up to the standard our older siblings, or our parents have created. We forget who we are living for; not for ourselves, but for the Lord, not for man’s approval, but for the Lord’s. We forget that Christianity is not about a list of rules, and doing things in order to gain God’s favor. Christianity is about one man, compelled by everlasting love and endless grace, coming down from heaven to take our place on the cross, and free us from the chains of sin. It is about this restored relationship, and friendship mankind is able to have with God, the creator of the universe. Colossians 2:13-14 says, “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” What’s done is done. The anger I lived in for so many years, the impure and lustful thoughts that no one can see, the bitterness that I have stored inside, the self-centerdness, the lack of trust, and all of the self-sufficiency I have clung to, it is all gone, it has been nailed to the cross. I don’t have to live in who I used to be, I need to kill that old man. The old Charis has died, and continually, each and every day, I have to sacrifice her old desires and old habits on the altar. And truly, if I am living in who I used to be, I am slowly killing myself. But God, calls me to press on and to strive to be daily restored unto the image of his likeness. He asks me to lay down my life, take up my cross, and follow him, wherever he goes, no matter the cost. What lies ahead will be far greater than anything I have left behind, but I will never be able to make it to that promised land if I am constantly looking back. I have to look ahead, right into the eyes of my Father. He alone is my aim; He alone is my joy; He alone is the satisfaction to my soul. Proverbs 4:25-26 says, “Let your eyes look directly forward and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.” Jesus, all I need is you, let me not forget. 

Eyes open, eyes ahead, looking forward, never back. Feet moving, slow and stead, running to Jesus, who never lacks. In you there is an abundance, always more. In you I have found life and eternity is in store. Search my heart, know my mind. Find my sin, and set it aside. Fill me up, overflow me with you. Captivate my gaze, for you are perfect, always true. I’m pursuing, I’m chasing, I’m running to your arms. Let me not turn, let me not fall. Jesus take my heart, Abba take it all. 

Application: I will write out, “beauty for ashes,” on a notecard, and hang it up on my closet door. This paper will serve as a reminder to not forget that the old man has died, and the new man is being restored day by day. 

From Death to Life

Philippians 3:11

“that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”

God has been surrounding me with this idea of resurrection, and he has been speaking revival to my soul, since before I even came to Ignite. During my three months of waiting to come to Guat, God placed a song on my heart: Spirit of the Living God, by Jeremy Riddle. The chorus says, “Spirit of the Living God, come fall afresh on me, come awake me from my sleep. Blow through the caverns of my soul, pour in me to overflow.” I remember hearing that song for the first time, and feeling like God was talking directly to me, and He was. He was giving me the prayer I needed to wake up from my spiritual slumber. I struggled a lot before I came here. I was accepted to IGNITE in September, and I didn’t leave until January. I had four months to kill, and the days seemed never ending. After the initial joy and excitement subsided, I began to grow cold to the Lord, and bitter in my heart. I felt like he had taken everything from me. After twelve plus years of dancing, I had to quit. After believing for months that I would go to college, I dropped out five days before I was supposed to move in. All of my friends were gone and enjoying their new journey, and I was stuck waiting. I felt like a tree, completely stripped of all of it’s leaves, left only with broken branches, barely surviving. I knew IGNITE was God’s will, He made that clear as day, but my identity was completely lost, and nothing He was doing in my life made any sense. I became so caught up in the why, when, where, and how, that it began to slowly kill me and cause me to become apathetic to the Lord. But one day, God spoke to me through his creation and reminded me of the change in nature’s seasons. Summer has to die, in order to become Fall, then Fall fades into Winter, and out of Winter, new life blooms amidst Spring. It’s a cycle of change, a process of death and life, slumber, and rebirth. Surely a tree must be stripped of all of it’s leaves in order to grow new ones, and the flowers must fade away in order to spring back up with vibrancy and life. I too must lose my leaves every once in a while. Pieces of who I am, must be cut away so that the glory of who God is, can shine through me. And what a beautiful thing it is, that my Jesus loves me enough to stoop down low and take away pieces of me, in order to be fulfilled with the fulness of Him. This is a picture of resurrection that I had never thought of before, and suddenly everything made sense. God was taking away the things in my life that I held so dear, so that I would have nothing left to cling to but Him. In that moment of realization, my heart broke and my perspective changed. I felt reawakened. God’s voice was loud again, his presence was near, and his light captivated my gaze. I was being restored into the image of His likeness again, and a beautiful, heavenly exchange was taking place within my bones. Stripped of me, I became clothed in his righteousness. I still had no idea what God was doing, but it didn’t matter, because I knew whose I was and I knew who was directing my every step. 

A few weeks before I came to Ignite, my best friend, Seleena, shared with me her verse for the year. Hosea 6:1-3, “Come, let us return to the Lord; for he has torn us, that he might heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days, he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up, that we might live before him. Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord; his going out is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us as the showers, as the spring rains that water the earth.” These verses quickly became my lifeline. Within the first two weeks of being at Ignite, I had to experience a new kind of resurrection, and one that I never expected. As I have so often explained in my other IBS’s, I grew up feeling like I had to meet everyone’s expectations and as a result, I never felt good enough. I became so stuck on myself, and being that good Christian girl everyone wanted me to be, that I led myself into the pit of self centeredness. Everything was about me. How could I be good enough? What can I do to make myself look better, or “holier,” than I actually was. Many times I felt like I couldn’t hear God, and looking back now, it was because of my own blindness. I had been wandering around this earth with both of my hands covering my eyes, thinking that I knew the way that leads to life and the fullest of joys. But I know nothing, and I am nothing apart from Christ. It took me leaving home, leaving all of the expectations, to finally realize that I wasn’t really all that good. In fact I was, no I am, a horribly evil human being, devoid of all goodness and grace. God ripped my heart right out of my chest, and began to tear away the build up of sin that I had been burying for so many years. For so long, I tried with all of my might, to be a self sufficient Christian, able to do everything in my own strength. I didn’t want to come to God, or anyone for that matter, and burden them. I wanted to prove to God that I was strong enough, good enough, and capable enough to handle life on my own. I thought I was doing God a favor, but I was so wrong. I am in desperate need of the Lord. A.W. Tozer says, “It is doubtful that God can use a man greatly, unless he hurts him deeply.” God had to invade, and rip me open, in order to restore me unto Him. It’s painful beyond all belief, but I have never felt so alive, so new, so whole. He promises to revive us when we come to Him, and constantly he is drawing us near. May we press on to know the Lord, and pursue his purpose, no matter the cost. 

Application: We do not have IBS class this week, and I usually hate to share my writing with other people. Considering that I really opened up in this post, I will take time out of the day to share my IBS with one person. 

Resurrection Song

Philippians 3:10

“that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.”

This verse reveals quite the challenge: know the power of Jesus’ resurrection, share in his suffering, and become like him in death. God, what does this even mean, and how is this humanly possible? I am a wicked and vile human being, and I could never, ever begin to understand the depth of Christ’s sacrifice for me. I am not perfect like Jesus was, and I will never carry the weight of the whole entire world’s sin on my shoulders. God, help me to understand what you are trying to speak to me. 

I may not be able to fully grasp the concept Paul is explaining, but one thing I do know is Jesus. I know who he is, I know his character, and I know how he acted at his death. Isaiah 53:7,11 says, “He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth…Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous and he shall bear their iniquities.” Never once did my Savior complain, or cry out against his Father. He was whipped, beaten, mocked, tortured, publicly shamed, and crucified, and he never said a single word, until right before he committed his spirit into God’s hands. He was completely humble, and wholly obedient and yielded to the will of the Father. He served, and loved all the way up until the very end, because he knew the bigger picture. Jesus knew that death would only last a few nights, and three days later, he would overcome and arise victoriously. His conquest enabled all people on earth in that present time, and the times to come, the opportunity to gain life abundantly and eternally, forever pardoned from their sin. He overcame death, and gave us the opportunity to have a resurrected life as well, and Galatians 2:20 truly unravels the greater meaning behind Philippians 3:10. It says, “For I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.” If I am to gain Christ, be found in Him, and know the power of his resurrection, I must give up all of my rights. I hold no authority, and I truly have no worth apart from Jesus; I am simply a pile of ashes. But, when I can release my grip on my life, and kill the wandering ways, and wayward thoughts and desires of my flesh, I am restored unto beauty and I begin to conform into the image of His likeness; and like Christ, my flesh perishes, and my spirit is revived and reawakened to the joy of my salvation. Truly, life begins the moment I die. Life begins the moment I begin to understand the depth of God’s love for me. That He would even think to send his son to save a filthy wretch like me. Jesus, give me a heart that is willing to submit unto your spirit, and may I draw upon you for strength, to fight against my flesh each day. 

Application: Going on to week eleven, I have become weary. Life has become very routine, devotions have become dry, and it just seems harder to love and minister to people. That being said, I will pray for God to resurrect my heart and become the driving of everything I do. 

Hidden in Christ

Philippians 3:9

“and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.”

To gain Christ, and be found in Him. From the time I arrived in Antigua, nearly three months ago, ‘till now, my prayer has been that I would be wrapped up in the Lord and hidden in Christ. Colossians 3:1-3 says, “If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” My desire is that when people see me, they would see Jesus; when they hear me, they would hear Jesus, and that before they get to know me, they must first get to know the Lord. That is how I want to be portrayed: a daughter who bears the marks of her Father; an image bearer of the Most High God, never fully attaining perfection, but always striving to be more like her maker. However, that mentality has gotten the best of me, at times. It has become, “how many good things can I do for the Lord, so that he loves me,” and it is absolutely exhausting. It is one thing to strive for perfection, but to be consumed with the idea of never failing, has caused me to forget the grace and love of Christ. I am not bound to a book of rules, or a list of impossible worldly expectations and standards. Although there are commandments to keep, morals to hold onto, and discipline given when I stray away, I must not forget that I serve a God of second chances. Out of the abundance of his love, God sent his son to take my place, my spot on death row, that I might have the opportunity to gain abundant life. Hosea 6:6 says, “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” More than anything in the world, God desires my heart. He longs to know me, to speak to me, and to spend intimate time with me. He loves when I serve him, but above all else, he just wants me. He wants to sing his resurrection song over me, gives me new skin and dress me in righteousness. I will never be good enough, but God is more than enough, and if my life is hidden in Him, my ashes are traded for beauty, and my worth shines from within. It is a beautiful and heavenly exchange, and one that requires me to allow God to pierce my flesh and invade my heart, tearing apart all of the wickedness within. Then, and only then, does healing come, and new life begins to bloom. But the choice is mine. Do I have the faith to come? Do I take God at his word, and believe with the fulness of my being that he will wash me clean and make me anew? There are times that I come running to the Lord, in desperation, but there are also times that I just want to run in the opposite direction. I am a fickle, wayward human being, and it destroys me knowing that I could just as easily turn my back on God, but I can’t forget. I can’t forget who God has been, who God is, and who he faithfully will be. God remains, always, he is the only constant in my ever-fleeting, ever-changing life. Jesus, may your voice move my feet to follow your steps. Let me not forget what a merciful and gracious Abba I have. I can’t do anything on my own, so may I lean into you and draw from the vats of your strength. 

Application: Today, I will write the word hidden on my wrist, and find quiet time to spend completely alone with the Lord.

Gaining Christ

Philippians 3:8

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I might gain Christ.” 

This verse rocks me to my core and has always been one of my favorites. One of the biggest things I have learned since joining IGNITE, is that I am not as good as I thought I was. I grew up with a lot of expectation and pressure on my shoulders. Everyone at my church knew my family, and everyone knew me. They constantly told me what a wonderful girl I was, how I was so much like my amazing mother. I felt like I had to be perfect, and failure was, and honestly still is, my greatest fear. I don’t want to disappoint people, and I want to go above and beyond the expectations that are placed upon me. This led me to try with all of MY might, to be the Charis everyone wanted me to be. I did my best to be good enough, to check off all the boxes of being a “good Christian,” whatever that’s supposed to mean. But pleasing people is exhausting, because they are never, ever satisfied. There was always a new weight to carry, and in my mind, I would never be good enough. I knew Christ, just for the sake of knowing Him, but there wasn’t wonder or awe. Coming to a new country, with twenty one plus people who don’t know who I am and have no expectations for me, has been a breath of fresh air, but it has also awakened me to my own shortcomings and insecurities. My life has always been about me. I have to be good enough because what I look like matters. I have to read my bible, and pray, so that I can be a good Christian. There was no room for Jesus, and I have realized that often times, I come to God so that I can get something out of him, rather than coming to Him, just to simply get to know him. But that Charis is gone now. I had to bury her in the grave the first week I was here, because I could not bear to wear the mask any longer. Everything is loss, nothing in this world satisfies and fulfills the depths of my soul, only Jesus. He is my gain. In him, I have gained abundant life on earth, and the future hope of eternal life in the presence of His glory. I have gained grace to strengthen my bones, and love that awakens my soul like the birds chirping in the morning. I have gained joy to carry me through the darkness and the light, and new mercies every morning. And I have gained wonder, absolute awe, that I could be so loved, so cherished, and so adored, by the God who created all things hidden and seen in the universe. All I had to do was let Him invade my heart, all I had to do was come to Him and fall on my face. That one step has given me all things that pertain to life. It has given me Jesus, the greatest, most precious gift that I will ever know. There is nothing that compares to the surpassing worth of knowing my Abba Father. He is steadfastly faithful, even when I turn my back on Him. He tenderly speaks to me, even when I plug my ears. He looks on me in love, though I reject Him constantly. He reveals to me the path of life and dances with me in every season; carrying me if need be. God, wrap me up in you. May I truly believe, with all of my heart, that you are all I need. “…so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fulness of God.” (Ephesians 3:17-19)

Application: The moments that I feel the most in awe of the Lord, and recognize the fullness of Him, are when I am dancing. I know that sounds weird, but some of my most precious times with the Lord are through those intimate times of worship. This week is going to be busy, but I am going to find time to dance with the Lord, before this week ends. 

Little Sister Duties

2 Corinthians 13:11

“Finally brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.”

If I am being completely honest with myself, this idea of giving grace to one another, is an area I suffer in. It’s funny because my name means grace, and yet I am so horrible at giving it! I was a rough kid, full of anger and rage, and definitely not the forgiving type. My brothers could definitely attest to my character. If they wouldn’t share legos with me, I would scream. If they didn’t listen to me, I would cry. If they even looked at me, I would punch them. Some might say that I was simply performing my little sister duties, but looking back now, it was just one of my biggest flaws shining through, and I caused disunity and division amongst us. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” I was not gracious, or loving, and my words did not build up. I know I was young, but one of my biggest regrets in life is not pouring into my brothers during our childhood and early adolescence. This became very clear to me in Jr. High and High School. I saw the way some of my friends treated and were treated by their siblings, and I longed for that. I longed for deep connections with my brothers, and more than anything, I wanted them to trust me, and come to me for encouragement. For some time I was just bitter, wondering when my brothers would step up, but I eventually realized that the equation was double sided. Encouragement, grace, communication, all of it had to start with me. So I started to shut up and listen to them when they talked to me. I allowed them to purposefully annoy me, without getting too ticked off. I began to drive with them to church, so I could spend one on one time with them. I started to check up on them and sit in their rooms. But the most important thing I did was pray. When we would have big fights, I would write them letters, or share scripture with them, and it changed our relationship completely. It was the word of God, sharper than any double edged sword, that created unity and multiplied our love for one another. I pursued restoration, comfort, and peace, and God moved. Now, we trust each other, and actually have deep, meaningful conversations, which I thought might never be possible. God, I thank you for being faithful in every relationship and circumstance of my life. Thank you for choosing Jonathan and Jonah to be my brothers. Grow my grace, teach me to love, and may I be determined to build up, rather than tear down. 

Application: When I have wifi, I will talk to both of my brothers, and tell them how much I love them, and apologize for the years of bitterness that I created. 

Dancing in Harmony

Romans 12:16

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.”

Living in harmony with another person has to be one of the most difficult things in the world. Scratch that. Dancing in harmony with another person is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I danced at the same studio from the time I was six, until I was eighteen. A majority of the girls who began dancing at the same time as me, also stuck it out until the very end. We grew up together, and spent at least four hours a day, four days a week together. During performance season, I would sometimes see those girls for two weeks straight, no lie! But I wasn’t just seeing these girls, or having conversation with them, I was dancing alongside them. We were one team, and with each dance we performed, we had one message and one purpose to offer. Our purpose was to make Christ known, and within making Christ known, we each found Christ ourselves. When that purpose was fulfilled, dancing truly felt like magic. My bones would tingle, my face could not help but smile, and I don’t even remember breathing. I never saw people in the audience, and often times, I would forget that my teammates were even there; it was as if I was being ushered into the presence of the Lord, dancing with him and following his lead. I get the chills when I think about it; it was the most transparent version of me there has ever been. My last recital, was one of absolute harmony. Every dance was breathtaking, and felt absolutely incredible. Though we all dance differently, and have different strengths, it was as if we were dancing as one body. Our purpose was Jesus, and it moved us to tears. But when I lost sight of the purpose, the whole team suffered. I can tell you with certainty, that every single one of my teammates would tell you the same thing. When one person was distracted, when they lost sight of the goal, when they put themselves before God, our dancing was not as powerful, and the message was not as vivid. I remember leaving performances feeling so defeated, because I knew that I was the weak link. But instead of wallowing in self pity, I gained even greater motivation to commune with the Lord and gain the fire I needed to dance with all passion. It is so vital to live in fellowship and friendship with the Lord, because when we don’t, the whole body suffers. Jesus, take away my pride, remove Charis from the equation, and teach me to serve with all humility and grace. Let every word, and every deed be done unto your glory, and for the furtherance of your kingdom.

Application: When I have wifi, I will text my dance family and thank them for the many years of laughter, love, and growing in the Lord.